Intention

Taking the Christmas decorations down this year seemed like a divine renewal of spirit. Not only was this a great time for reflecting on a very busy yet joyful holiday season, it was also a time to imagine what may come in the next year. What will have happened when I'm back putting these decorations all back out again? So many of these tree ornaments tell stories of years past. My mom's Micky and Minnie wooden round ornament with imprinted "1994 Todd and Paula" was given to us months before Todd asked me to marry him. There's one of a fuzzy mama bear proudly displaying her pregnant belly with a red shirt reading "baby" on it. I would have resembled this bear the day I found it taped to my work door at Aurora placed by an unknown caregiver. Jordan was born 50 days later. This year's favorite was designed by Andrew. It was a painted family portrait of all 4 of us, each with his reflection of our likes on masterfully colored shirts. He drew himself with an ice cream cone on his, a guitar on Jordan's, a flower on mine, and a Packer jersey (and necktie) on Todd's. So what will happen to this Carlton family in 2011?

Years ago, after setting many New Year's resolutions that failed within weeks, even moments, of setting them, I resolved to evolve. Rather than re-solving, I decided to create a title for the year by choosing a word and seeing what happened. I had done this for the past 2 years, and to be honest, just like my resolutions, the words became words until the end of the year when I reflected. In 2009, Freedom from Judgement ending up being a year full of judging and being judged through the dying and grieving process of my father's passing. So in 2010, I wanted balance. As I read further about "Balance", I felt a little selfish as it implied a need for "me" time. Well, needless to say, I was not at all...oh my! I was going to say not at all balanced but get this! From April til October, I am sure I experienced dysthymia (OK, maybe depression). Right. 6 months sad. 6 months happy. It was during these 6 months, I did a tremendous amount of internal work trying to figure out what I was feeling. I do not recommend doing this on your own. I clearly recall my Parish Nurse telling me, years before, "talk to someone during your grieving time". For me, the excuse "I'm too busy" was all too convenient. I am happy...yeah! happy to say, I have a husband who is terribly observant and through our conversations, I was no longer feeling guilty and insecure. Our connection to each other, our communication with each other helped me to expose my vulnerable self AND, most valuable, recognize my worthiness to pull through.

Through this all, I have learned great things. Dr. Candace Pert, scientist and founder of our molecules of emotion including the great serotonin,believes we are naturally wired for happiness. I do too BUT I also believe Eve Ensler, author of the Vagina Monologues, who calls on women to be the emotional creatures we are meant to be. As Deacon Becky Schmidt of Still Waters Church so beautifully recited today in our Healing Service Psalm 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds (NIV). We all should be allowed to shed our tears without feeling the need to cover them up in what is perceived as "inconvenience".

With this being the starting point of 2011 and in hopes of continuing the joy of creatively giving, I just wanted to have some fun!!!! I want to set an intention not just find a word. My intention could be the creative power that fulfills that need for fun. And not only to fill a need but have it come from a matter of contentment. With choosing an intention, I can open my world to pure potentiality, perhaps once again being "pregnant with possibilities" as I once had been called by Dr. Karen Wolf, author of Create the Body Your Soul Desires. I have no intentions of being pregnant in the literal sense, but this intention can metaphorically be positioned in the abundantly fertile world that I place each step on everyday. And though so badly I wish to be the voice in charge of every moment, in writing this, my husband has reminded me he will keep me in check. And I am pretty sure that was a clear message sent by God! They can be the counter to my vigilant self who says "the only way to get things done is to do them yourself". I will work on that.

So my intention is "celebration"...easy with my 40th, my husband's and many friends 40th, travel already planned, parties already on the calendar BUT...in my reading about setting intentions states very clearly in the words of Deepak Chopra "living in the wisdom of uncertainty". I vow to open my eyes to God for He celebrates even the small stuff. With this, empathy and enjoyment can take place. And with this, I will just have a powerful word to keep with me, remind me, redirect me throughout each moment. Already I have many things to celebrate on day 2 of 2011. Here come my giggling children.

What is your intention for 2011?
Are you willing to live in the wisdom of uncertainty even when setting an intention?

Thank you for your gift of time!
Paula