The F word...forty.

Years ago, Todd and I decided that just having one day to celebrate birth was not enough! What if your birthday fell on a work day? Or worse, what if you woke up like Molly Ringwald did in 16 Candles, on her birthday, which was also her sister's wedding, only to be completely forgotten?!?! So we decided to create the original "birthday week". I or he (and now our children) get to choose, for the entire week, what he/she wishes to do, how to celebrate, when to get foot rubs, to not do the dishes. Todd has a few "unique" requests during his week. I wish to go fully noticed. I want everyone to know it is my birthday. I want celebrations. Basically, as much attention as I can get. It seems like every year, it gets better and better. I am in the midst of my birthday week now, enjoying some solitude and period of reflection. I just came home from an amazing day where my picture was plastered all over the clinic, a nice lunch was presented, and more gifts and great cards flooded my desk. Followed by my boys giving me dinner, folding the clothes, and then heading off to practice giving me some piece. AND THIS ISN'T EVEN MY BIRTHDAY! I'm telling ya, you gotta try it!

In preparation to turning 40, I took the last 40 days to really prepare. 40 is such a special number in biblical times. There are so many references noting the number 40. The most common to refer to is Jesus' preparation for 40 days. I certainly cannot fast. I can hardly meditate for 40 seconds, let alone 40 days so more power to Him! But I made attempts to be more aware of what each day was like. It started the early morning after our Shoe Hunt Party. I went out for the after party across the street to meet up with friends. What a great way to start...friends and karaoke! I kept a record of most of the days after that and will highlight a few common themes.

Family. On the very first day, the boys and I ended up going to Kelly's in Eden. This is a family owned ice cream shop. They make their own ice cream right there from their 60+ cows they own. The ice cream is amazing! Todd and I were surprised that one of the flavors, some bourbon blend, didn't have a "we I.D." stamp on it but that is not why we liked it. Each flavor we sampled was delightful and ending up taking some home for later too! One of the nightly traditions in our home is settling down with a bowl of ice cream (I just watch!). What was neat about this, besides what was already stated, was the fact that this family has owned this land and farm for generations. They had a family tree on the wall with a full explanation of the structure. It inspired me to gather items to start working on my family tree. I barely know my biological father but was lucky to have stayed connected to his parents, my grandparents, until their death. All of my grandparents are gone. I want to know more about them. I want my kids to know more about them. And I want to give that to them in some creative way, maybe travel...maybe a booklet. I just know it's important. God places us with family with great care and purpose.

Friends. It was the holiday season packed with gatherings! I met up with dear old friends at the Oppermann home. I went to a Packer game with work ladies who are dear friends. I played volleyball with one of my best friends. I celebrated the New Year with, yes, friends! And Todd surpirsed me this past Saturday with a room full of friends at the Riverside Brewery in West Bend. I was overwhelmed by the cast of people that took the time to share a special transition with me. I couldn't live without them, each and every one. I am so lucky to have lifelong friends. Even new ones met this past year seem like I've known them forever. I have one...who I hope dearly to know more...who said to me, almost in passing, how she has created a "cabinet" of friends just like our government has their cabinet. Brilliant!!! I have no idea how she came up with that, should have asked, sounds like an Oprah thing, but I immediately went to "who's in my cabinet" thinking!!! I've decided! It was a really fun thing to do one day. I have the Justice Department (Kathy), Dept. of Health and Human Services (Heidi), Administration on Aging (Pat), Dept of interior (Laura), Dept of Energy (Michelle), Dept of Education really beyond the obvious (DeAnn) and so many others!!!! I have them all together and someday will call a board meeting, maybe a weekend at the spa, to review their duties. It really has simplified who I need to call on when I have an issue or just wish to chat about something. Love it!

Rest. I loved the day the snowstorm stopped everything. It was a Sunday. Couldn't even go to church. That was funny too because it was Advent, the time of reflection before the birth of Christ. The word that week we were to reflect on was "Rest". You can't tell me God doesn't exist. Why do we need a service to talk about how we should rest? God did the best example to show us how. I did too. I had not had a PJ day in forever. We made a fire. We played board games. We took a nap!!! It was much needed because I had that same intention the Wednesday before and didn't succeed!I even wrote on that day "life could pass me by". I really feel selfish when I hear the phrase "take time for yourself", "you deserve it". How can one think that when the world is what it is? So much good to do but I know rest is key.

Play. This actually was one of the Advent words too. When I look at my last 40days, I was happy to have taken the time to play. This year my sisters and I decided , rather than exchanging gifts as that gets rather complicated, we each bought a board game, wrapped it, and exchanged among the 3 families. After the pickle ornament was found (German tradition) by Harrison, he chose the first game to unwrap. The night was spent playing the games and really enjoying each other's company. Though we dearly miss our own Santa Claus (my Dad Russ) who piled his downstairs with a massive amount of gifts for each grandchild, they seemed to enjoy this new Christmas celebration. What is so fun about playing the type of board games that are out now is how much you learn about the people you play with. I really enjoyed that playtime. Luckily, my family is keen to the idea that I love to dance too. I got both Michael Jackson and Dance Part 2 for Wii so I also had a ton of time after Christmas to dance, dance, dance whether it be by myself or challenged by others around me, I had fun!

Love. I wanted each action to be lead by love. I read the book The Handmaid and The Carpenter by Berg. It was such a unique story about a vision of what Mary and Joseph may have gone through back in the day. Their lust, love, passion for each other. The trust issue. Who knows how things really happened back then but I like to dream in that way, even if some seemed so untrue. It was a nice book to read during this time. I reviewed some of the words I have written down on my "count down to 40 page". They included determination, dedication, ethic, self discovery, inner knowledge, realization, naturalization...words that describe what I want or know about others and, at times, myself. One of my days, I simply have the word "cereal". I have lived on cereal much of my life (I'm 40 so only the last few years I've become a more conscious eater). But as I say that, I have tried so hard to get rid of the nasty habit of coming home late on a Tuesday night after work and scarfing down a bowl of cereal. Really. But I love it. And it's gotta be like really bad...fruity pebbles, captain crunch, sugar snaps. But I love it. It's my life. It's where I came from...and I was trying to get rid of it. I love it. I think I will go into my 40s not changing it... for love.

So here I am...40 and 1 day. I received "Avalon" cards from my "Secret Service" department head Cat. The first one I picked from the deck was "Mystery". Hmmmm. Once again, being told not to plan but just enjoy. But told to me in a creative way. I'll take these lessons I have learned in my last 40 days into my 40s. I am glad I was at a soewhat higher consciousness level during what could have been an unrecognizable transition. My legacy of the desire to give creatively remains unchanged. One of my last items of achievement at age 39 was being voted onto the Kewaskum Chamber of Commerce board. I look forward to the possibilities that brings. And I booked my flight to Italy...thank you Todd, my most trusted and gracious husband! Can't wait to see you Heidi, my friend. Here's to rest, play, and love with family and friends into my 40s and beyond.

Be well,
Paula

Intention

Taking the Christmas decorations down this year seemed like a divine renewal of spirit. Not only was this a great time for reflecting on a very busy yet joyful holiday season, it was also a time to imagine what may come in the next year. What will have happened when I'm back putting these decorations all back out again? So many of these tree ornaments tell stories of years past. My mom's Micky and Minnie wooden round ornament with imprinted "1994 Todd and Paula" was given to us months before Todd asked me to marry him. There's one of a fuzzy mama bear proudly displaying her pregnant belly with a red shirt reading "baby" on it. I would have resembled this bear the day I found it taped to my work door at Aurora placed by an unknown caregiver. Jordan was born 50 days later. This year's favorite was designed by Andrew. It was a painted family portrait of all 4 of us, each with his reflection of our likes on masterfully colored shirts. He drew himself with an ice cream cone on his, a guitar on Jordan's, a flower on mine, and a Packer jersey (and necktie) on Todd's. So what will happen to this Carlton family in 2011?

Years ago, after setting many New Year's resolutions that failed within weeks, even moments, of setting them, I resolved to evolve. Rather than re-solving, I decided to create a title for the year by choosing a word and seeing what happened. I had done this for the past 2 years, and to be honest, just like my resolutions, the words became words until the end of the year when I reflected. In 2009, Freedom from Judgement ending up being a year full of judging and being judged through the dying and grieving process of my father's passing. So in 2010, I wanted balance. As I read further about "Balance", I felt a little selfish as it implied a need for "me" time. Well, needless to say, I was not at all...oh my! I was going to say not at all balanced but get this! From April til October, I am sure I experienced dysthymia (OK, maybe depression). Right. 6 months sad. 6 months happy. It was during these 6 months, I did a tremendous amount of internal work trying to figure out what I was feeling. I do not recommend doing this on your own. I clearly recall my Parish Nurse telling me, years before, "talk to someone during your grieving time". For me, the excuse "I'm too busy" was all too convenient. I am happy...yeah! happy to say, I have a husband who is terribly observant and through our conversations, I was no longer feeling guilty and insecure. Our connection to each other, our communication with each other helped me to expose my vulnerable self AND, most valuable, recognize my worthiness to pull through.

Through this all, I have learned great things. Dr. Candace Pert, scientist and founder of our molecules of emotion including the great serotonin,believes we are naturally wired for happiness. I do too BUT I also believe Eve Ensler, author of the Vagina Monologues, who calls on women to be the emotional creatures we are meant to be. As Deacon Becky Schmidt of Still Waters Church so beautifully recited today in our Healing Service Psalm 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds (NIV). We all should be allowed to shed our tears without feeling the need to cover them up in what is perceived as "inconvenience".

With this being the starting point of 2011 and in hopes of continuing the joy of creatively giving, I just wanted to have some fun!!!! I want to set an intention not just find a word. My intention could be the creative power that fulfills that need for fun. And not only to fill a need but have it come from a matter of contentment. With choosing an intention, I can open my world to pure potentiality, perhaps once again being "pregnant with possibilities" as I once had been called by Dr. Karen Wolf, author of Create the Body Your Soul Desires. I have no intentions of being pregnant in the literal sense, but this intention can metaphorically be positioned in the abundantly fertile world that I place each step on everyday. And though so badly I wish to be the voice in charge of every moment, in writing this, my husband has reminded me he will keep me in check. And I am pretty sure that was a clear message sent by God! They can be the counter to my vigilant self who says "the only way to get things done is to do them yourself". I will work on that.

So my intention is "celebration"...easy with my 40th, my husband's and many friends 40th, travel already planned, parties already on the calendar BUT...in my reading about setting intentions states very clearly in the words of Deepak Chopra "living in the wisdom of uncertainty". I vow to open my eyes to God for He celebrates even the small stuff. With this, empathy and enjoyment can take place. And with this, I will just have a powerful word to keep with me, remind me, redirect me throughout each moment. Already I have many things to celebrate on day 2 of 2011. Here come my giggling children.

What is your intention for 2011?
Are you willing to live in the wisdom of uncertainty even when setting an intention?

Thank you for your gift of time!
Paula