A Legacy

So here it is. 354 days later. I recall the morning of as if it were yesterday. Awakening in my son's bed where I had fallen asleep from exhaustion. The vision was so clear to me. Russ, my father, coming to me in my sleep, pressing his lips to my cheek, whispering "I love you" and then disappearing into the air. When I reflect on that moment, I feel my face press in prickled by the softness of his beard. How could it be that he was there, in my home? His body was nearing death in his own bed miles away. My sister informed me his breathes were so agonal at that point when I recall him coming to me. Within the hour, he was dead.

Russel Luepnitz Sr. died on April 20th, 2009 after a diagnosis of lung cancer shocked us all on January 14th of that same year. Yes, he had been battling a cough. Even some mental changes but as he said often, "I feel great, like I have for years". Once his brain radiation was initiated, his state of "health" quickly declined. He went from walking in the living room to 4 days later dying at home peacefully while in hospice care.

Those last few months of his life were so blessed. It was a time that I tried to be as mindful of each connection that we made. As had been the case throughout our entire relationship, it was labile. I met Russ in 1979 and he soon became my Dad after that. Our connection deepened into my teenage years but one can imagine how angry a teenage girl can be to a step dad. He had rules. I didn't like them. I discovered, though not until after children, that Russ really meant well. He provided me indirectly with the many positives about my life- where I lived, the school and church I went to, and the home stability support I needed. I reflected on that so often during those last few months. One fact I did also discover in those last few months was how much he loved his family. He connected with all family members around the states...regularly. He called his son daily. He kept his siblings up to date through calls, emails, and letters. He knew his family tree.

Soon after Russ' death, my family planted a tree in our back yard that has become a daily reminder of the legacy Russ has left for me. Before he was gone, he was insistant about leaving his belongings to his children and would ask us often what we would want. Growing up, we had a huge tree in our back yard. He had planted that tree with his son before I had even lived there. This tree was now monstrous. During the last few years, he had organized a very original scheme of bird feeders to attract those flying angels my mother loved to watch. I gratefully received those bird feeders upon his death and proudly display them on his tree in my own back yard.

Russ left a legacy. One I had only fully realized during those last few months of his life. Family roots, branch out to others, feed the world, enjoy nature.

Post death is hard. I have seen myself evolve this year, and to be honest, didn't always like what was happening. There were times when anger was taken out on purely innocent people. The guilt covered my body with a 200 pound blanket that I carried around because I didn't know how to take it off every morning upon the new start of a day. And the constant utterances of "why", "if only", "maybe", and "I'm sorry" clouded my head. It was odd how he seemed so much more present in my life than when he were alive ( by no fault of him). Sometimes I was happy he was seeing the moment and sometimes I wondered what he would be thinking. At times the tears would flood down and then the days I wondered were the sadness was. It was as if every single person I talked to had cancer, potentially had cancer, or also suddenly died of cancer. I attended more funerals this year than I have in my life (and I kid you not). I feared everything.

However, throughout that time, I grew. While there are so many of the experiences I have gone through this past year that I can say have helped me, the one I am excited about most is that Russ did leave a legacy. And his legacy has encouraged me to think about my own. I had developed a motto years ago which is "I will do the best I can with what I have been given and help others do the same". I have connected so closely to that motto because of what I do and see daily as a Health care Provider. I wanted my legacy to reflect that motto but also what I love about life. I am a part of you, God, the earth with a purpose and I wish to be a reflection of that.

For the last few years, I have realized a certain feeling I get, an energy, when I give myself creatively. Yes, I love to think logically as well but when I can use my creative juices, get into my right brain, I am my happiest. I think others around me feel that energy and are happy too.

The greatest thing about this realization is that it helps me focus. I know now my motto, my purpose, my direction, and my legacy. I now say "yes" to certain things and "no" to others. In the past few years, I have surrounded myself with people who hold the same values. I have been able to give to my family, friends, patients, and strangers using this process. I have been really excited about events like the "Not so perfect Pageant party" and "Shoe Hunt" fundraisers. This year, I easily excepted the challenge of participating in the first ever "Our Stars of Washington County" dance competition. And I believe part of my future focus will be our life as it relates to food...as long as it has a creative approach!

This Saturday at the Washington County Pavilion, I will be speaking, another thing I love to do. After the title of my name, in honor of my dad, I will now become known as Paula Carlton of Creative Giving.

I wish to write on this blog to encourage others to find your legacy. Yes, some of it may also be just plain journaling. Though my human being self says " keep it to yourself" my human doing self says if I learn from others, others may learn from you. I have so much to say on this topic. I hope to hear from you too!